Why Pickup Artists aren’t as Sleazy as You Think

[EDIT: April 28, 2012. My views on this topic have only expanded so my views may be slightly different from what was written here back in September of 2011. If you want to comment on this entry or chat about it with me, take this into consideration. Thanks.]

There’s a bad stigma that comes with the pickup artist movement. It shouldn’t be that way. Just like every human being has different intent and morals, pick-up artists are no different.

Some will sleep with any women they can get. Others won’t go for a girl with a boyfriend. It comes down to intent.

Pickup Artists Can’t Be Put into a One-Size Fits All Box

To give you an example of an interesting pickup artist, let’s examine Wayne Elise (aka Juggler).
He doesn’t like being called a pickup artist but he was mentioned in a chapter of The Game. He’s all about connecting with others and creating conversation. He even writes for Psychology Today.

For example, on an article called, “Seize the moment with Inarticulation!” Elise states, “When beginning an interaction with a stranger it’s more important to use good timing than to use good content. I’ll say that again louder. IT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO USE GOOD TIMING THAN TO SAY ANYTHING SMART, CLEVER, OR EVEN COHERENT.”

That’s a great tip to tell anyone that wants to meet new people because it isn’t about content; It’s about putting yourself out there and saying anything really. It’s not a crime to talk to strangers so why not make it hilarious.

He’s right because the majority of communication isn’t by the words themselves.
It’s about the tone and body language.

Remember the 55-38-7 rule in communication.
-55% of what you say is determined by eye-contact and body language.
-38% is determined by tone, speed of speech, how loud you say something.
-Only 7% of communication is actually through the words.

It’s about the charisma and humor when you do say whatever it is.

Imagine someone saying, “Hey what item are you getting there?” in a very serious tone vs. someone saying, “Hey there grocery person, I’d like to talk for a bit.” in a fun tone. The fun tone wins out because it’s fun.

Who doesn’t want fun?


There are other pickup artists that teach their own methods like Mystery (The Mystery Method) or JT Tran (ABCs of Attraction), which are detailed systematic ways to get women.

There are pickup terms used as well like:
-HB8 (Hot Blonde 8/10)
-Negging (Back-Handed Compliments)
-Opening a set (Approaching a group of girls)

Personally, I don’t like the scripted stuff. Or the typical routines over and over. Or the terms.

However, the outlines do work well and here’s the interesting part: Based on personal experience, I’m certain that they work for the majority of women.

Some personal examples:

1. That girl told me that she was with her boyfriend because he didn’t care much. (Indifference seems to be a turn-on.)

2. My ex was into me more because I didn’t call her that often. (Maybe twice a month?)

3. Had a girl who was interested test me because I was acting indifferent. So it goes. (“Why do you look confused Matt?” Me: I’m hungry. *Then, I grab her granola bar from her bag and eat it.* Then we shared eye-contact at one another for a good 10 seconds.)

4. Used my favorite technique that made a few girls laugh. Tone and mannerisms are extremely important. Also, it raised their interest level pretty high. (After the technique: *Flushed red all over, smiling* “So what grade are you in? Your age? Name?”)

5. I run some techniques with my best friend and she laughs every single time. They’re silly and gets the flirting going. (Yes, I believe that men and women can just be friends. That’s for another day.)

6. Another best friend likes the chase so much. Also, a guy giving puppy eyes is a complete turn off to her.

7. I’ve told random girls from the Rejection Therapy days they’re cute and they rejected me because the chase is done. There’s nothing to win over, nothing to prove, and there’s too much Goddess complex given. Plus, there’s no rapport yet.

*If that’s not enough proof for you:
From Hello to Kiss in 10 minutes.
-Much of it is calculated but like I said earlier: If it’s fun, it’s welcoming!
-The guy is oozing fun and confidence (no fidgeting at all, which goes back to the communicating through body language.)

Of course, with Great Power comes Great Responsibility

They’re teaching guys how to get out there and communicate. They’re teaching them to take action and (hopefully) find self-confidence. Those two things are incredibly important.

*It’s up to the guy to use it to lie their way into the bedroom or have a more honest model. I’m not one to judge “saints” or “sinners.” Like I said before, everyone’s intent is different.

Also, it snaps them back to reality from those bullshit Romantic Comedies.

So why don’t I do Pickup full-time?

Good question.

-I’m really fucking shallow, relationship-wise. If I practiced more, I’d probably do better but I don’t like to do too much pickup stuff if I’m just trying to be friends or I’m not attracted that way.
-I’m not that refined yet due to said lack of practice.
-I’m about learning the process of connecting with people, social barriers, etc. to share ideas and figure out what people do and what makes them so damn fascinating.
-How pickup artists function is good to learn about but isn’t the only thing that should be learned.
-Experiments are more fulfilling for me at the moment.

Then again, I never liked anything so black or white. I’ll take a shade of gray, thank you. I use some elements most of the time. You’ll have to figure that out.

[Note: I was opened up to the whole topic by reading The Game (not an affiliate link). It’s a great read and really eye-opening to see Neil Strauss’ account of his experiences in the community.]

Be Legendary with @ChrisLBarba

Chris Barba from the New York area was one of my first fans when I still wrote about Rejection Therapy exclusively. That blog was still a wordpress! I was excited to hear that he was coming over to San Francisco for a work event.
Fortunately, we found time to chat.

August 16, 2011. 11:03AM

It was around 11am and I could see the swirl of tourists, locals, and people walk around. The maze of strangers, friends, cashiers, shops, and all of that loveliness around me left a beautiful atmosphere for my senses to feel.

Here I was in San Francisco’s Ferry Building. The backdrop of the shops that try to welcome me is quite overwhelming. The coffee shops, the restuarants, the bookstores, the gelato shop all scream to come over and try us out.

Luckily, Blue Bottle Coffee was empty. It’s one of the best local chains. I ordered a latte and have to say that it’s one of the best.

He texted me with a text that said: “Hey Matt, I’m the guy in the red sweater in front of Blue Bottle Coffee.”

So I looked around and saw the red sweater standing there.

We ended up sitting at two of the five available seats that blue bottle has.

-First, we talked about his work event first. He works for Be Legendary, which is a company that helps people around the world.

For example, his work event in San Francisco consisted of building sandals and other shoes to give to disadvantaged youth in Africa.

-After that, he mentioned that he graduated last year with a Psychology major. I’m in my final year of a Psychology major, so I could greatly resonate with that. He suggested and recommended that I get an internship (which I plan to do) and interact with all the professors.

Since my blog is about connecting with people, then it’s more motivation to talk to professors and build a network in my final year.

-Then we talked about Psychology. One of the best videos that he talked about was the classic bear video about attention. Check it here if you’re interested.

If you are open to opportunities that you are looking for as well as ones that you aren’t looking for, then you’ll see the world with more openness.

-Then we talked about one of the best challenges I did when doing Rejection Therapy. I told him about one of my favorites, where I draw a stick figure of this extremely attractive girl next to me on the bus and ask her out below the drawing. She said she had a boyfriend but then we ended up chatting for 10 minutes.
He was impressed and would contemplate doing his own challenge.

After chatting for a couple of hours, we both had to go on our way. I thanked him for his time and he said the same. He said that if I was in the New York area he’d be glad to tour me around.

Check out his weekly blog at ThinkChooseLive.org, where he writes about self-improvement and growth.
[Disclosure: Nothing exchanged except ideas.]

How Chris Brogan and Julien Smith Tweeted Me: The Power of Connectivity

On Thursday, I wrote a post called Awkward Moments Experiment to prove that awkwardness isn’t so bad. I posted that I’d start on the day my classes begin, which is Sept. 19.

I had a few re-tweets from some of my readers who counted themselves in and liked the experiment.

Then something very subtle happened.

Sarah wrote this tweet to me.

She commented that my post was quite like Julien’s latest post on Guts. Fortunately, the two posts were published on the same day and ended up relating well to one another.

A few hours later, Julien re-tweeted my post because of Sarah’s tweet that @mentioned both of us.

It made me smile to know that he liked the post enough to re-tweet it. It also gave me a few more followers.

The following day (Friday), Chris Brogan also re-tweeted my twitter username based on Julien’s recommendation.

In one minute, 25 new people followed me. I gained many new followers from that simple tweet.

Unknowingly, she ended up connecting me to more than 50 new followers in a day, the New York Times Bestselling authors of Trust Agents (not an affiliate link), and that feeling that evades all of us at times: an elated mood.

It still makes me happy looking back on what happened.

It’s a perfect example of how anyone (big or small, A-lister or someone just starting) can make a greater impact than they imagine.

Something as small as tweeting someone else’s work could create a huge impact. All of those things happened because Sarah gave one minute of her time to give that simple tweet.

That’s why it’s so powerful to connect and share ideas with others. Even if you only connect with one person, that one person could create a chain reaction that spreads to so many other people.

Please share this idea, so others learn how powerful they truly are. All they need to do is share ideas and connect with one another.

Awkward Moments Experiment

“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”
Brian Tracy

I’ve decided to create this to help me take more risks because my final year of college is looming.

I’ll create situations everyday for 30 days where two things happen:
1. I’m feeling extremely awkward.
2. It benefits the other person or group.

I’m tired of avoiding “perceived danger.” I have to let the training wheels go. I’m down to one year, so the pressure is on.

It’s a distant cousin of Rejection Therapy.
The major difference is that I don’t have to ask for anything.

Some examples:
1. Giving hi-fives to random people.
2. Going to a party, even if I don’t talk much. (I tend to avoid them, so that’s awkward.)
3. Wearing my shirt backwards the whole day.

The starting date is:
Sept 19.

Who’s with me?

In the comments below:
-Give me some ideas (reminder: It’s a University Campus)
-Tell me if you want to participate in this too or wish me luck.
-Anything else that’s in your awesome mind.

25 Bloggers I Thanked (The Thank You Experiment)

Originally called “The Thank You Project 2011” by Jacob. I appreciate his support for encouraging me to do my own thank you experiment.

The original rules:
-Thank someone everyday.
-Don’t take longer than 10 minutes each day to write the message to them.
-Keep it under 5 sentences and don’t ask for anything or any favor in return.

I’ll write about the 30 people (25 of them bloggers) and why I thanked them in order to prove that they make a collective difference to me and everyone else they touch.

1. Jacob (@Jacobsokol) for the whole project idea. It was funny to send him the first one for irony.

2. Niall (@Ndoherty13) because he helped me with the Random Acts of Courage and was one of the first people to talk to me on Twitter when I was getting started. Much of his work helped me open up and be more transparent on my own blog. Also, pissing off zombies is a fun thing to do.

3. Jana (@Jinuit) because we had that amazing 10-minute conversation on letting go.

4. Rhina (@Rhinaju) because she’s been one of my biggest supporters. We’ve e-mailed one another for a couple of months now back and forth trading ideas. It’s proof that e-mail isn’t so bad after all, if you put it to good use. Check out her awesome blog, Giltclover. It has genius written all over it.

5. Patricia (@Monthadventure) because she helped me get the courage to publish that Painful Secret post. I wrote a rough draft for her and she helped me get a grasp of what I needed to talk about in the final. Check out her site, Monthly Adventure, because she has a monthly experiment every month to live extraordinarily.

6. Benjamin (@Benjaminspall) because he helped me get more ideas. One of his posts, (“Our Only Real Currency”) really hit me because of how important the time vs. money issue really is.

7. Tessa (@TeeZeng) because we had a skype chat where I ended up getting closer to my vision. The talk helped me see the core reason why I wanted to break down as many social barriers as possible. If there’s a core passion behind what you’re doing, then you’re definitely more encouraged to do it. She could also help you with your vision.

8. Sebastian (@SebastMarsh) because he got me started with my own self-hosted blog. He told me all of the great benefits that a self-hosted blog would have. He also writes in a way that creates a winning attitude, which is why I back-link to quite a bit of his work.
-I also had to thank him again because he made one of my posts go viral.

9. Michelle (@Pushing_Beauty) because she took the offer for me to interview her in an e-mail. Her portfolio is quite awesome so you should check her out. The full interview will be posted in the near future. Check out her work here.

10. Mark (@Markosul) because of the Nausea post he wrote. It gave me a realistic idea of writing for the sake of writing and doing what I do because I feel like it. Whether success comes or not doesn’t really matter.

11. Mars Dorian (@Marsdorian) for his branding site. It is legendary. His tips on branding are extremely useful.

12. Jason Comely (@JasonComely) because he’s the creator of Rejection Therapy. I had to thank him because he enabled me to see the world with more opportunity. Without that game, I’m not here writing today.

13. Benny (@BennyHsu) because he’s one of the best new bloggers out there. He shares his own personal stories at Get Busy Living in a way that makes you capture what he felt. It really resonates. Then he delivers on self-improvement tips to help you with your mindset as well.

14. Fabian (@FabianKruse) because he helped me with his “Yes-policy” (saying Yes to anything within his power) by suggesting experiments to me. Look here if you want to live an interesting life!

15. Anthony (@ManVsClock) for good twitter chats. Sometimes it’s something as simple as that. Also, his website is a ticking countdown towards his adventures.

16. Stella (@StellaSzeto) because her post on letting go inspired me to write about the idea of shallowness. You can’t settle for the good enough person or good enough anything, so you need to let go of the “good enough”. You have to demand the best fit for you, which is different from perfection.

17. Jk (@Jkthehuster) because he wrote a post around the same time as Stella that talked about how looks matter. It was more about giving your best foot forward and having a great appearance to present to others but I could relate that back to that shallow post.

18. Cordelia [Kelly] (@Cordeliacallsit) because she’s supported me from day one. I also wanted to thank her for the genius idea of quits that she created.

19. Vlad (@Vladdolezal) because of his polyamory post. It opened me up to the idea and learn his reasons for living that lifestyle. (I’m open to anything at the moment. I don’t want to set things into stone obviously.)

20. Stephen (@Deepexistence) for his post about getting rejected by this girl that his parents met at Olive Garden. It’s an interesting post that I could resonate with and I wonder why she rejected him. It doesn’t add up really. However, that’s rejection. If you’re willing to not see it as personal, it’ll bring you a long way.

21. Takuin (@Takuin) for writing an amazing e-book. He also did his own 28-day fasting with loose reflections.

22. Ollie (@Olliesaunders) because he made logical points to someone who doubted my blog’s intent when I went viral. He made a sound rebuttal to his remarks.

23. Greg (@100cups) for the awesome idea of getting coffee/tea with 100 strangers. I will definitely be doing this as well, although the set number isn’t in place.

24. Jason (@JasonShen) for helping me out a ton with his insights on Rejection Therapy. I link to his stuff a lot because it resonates greatly.

25. Stacey (@mylifestylemax) because of her recent post about how being alone doesn’t directly mean being lonely.

26. My mother because she’s helped me and supported me all my life. Without her, I’m not here typing this right now.

27. My cousin because we talk a lot about anything, especially hockey. (Yes, there are hockey fans here!)

28-29. A couple of my real life friends that have always been there for me. However, they’re away from the area currently because they went to universities outside of the area. (California is vast.)

30. You. I want to thank you, the reader, for giving me the time of day by reading my posts. To celebrate you, share anything you’re thankful for or thankful to in the comments below!

On a random note: This was my 100th post!

[Disclosure: Nothing given to me. I linked to everyone’s page because I like them and their work.]
[Note: Let me know if there are any errors, dead-links, etc.]
If you like my work, I hope you subscribe to my blog and check those other people out!