My Painful Secret

[EDIT 12/05/12: Not expressing myself to the girl I fell for in this story below is my motivation to express myself honestly and directly to people I interact with. Everything in this blog is a testament to being more authentic and honest with others.]

In my previous post, I posted my amazing 10-minute chat with a stranger on twitter about the concept of letting go.

To make sure that I’m not a hypocrite, I’ve let go of everything except for one painful story.

The story that needs to be told. It’s been aching to be told.

If you give me the time of day and read through this lengthy post, you’ll understand why I created this blog, why I do the things I do currently, and why I’ve come to embrace meeting people from all walks of life.

I’ll share with you the most painful event ever to happen to me.

I’ll risk having her see it.

——

*Used with e-mail permission.

“Everything depends on how we see things and not as they are.” – Carl Jung

Let’s first start with the back-story.

Around March 2010, I stumbled on her profile on an online website. We talked about philosophy, ideas, and private details rather quickly.

Then she said she would come to San Francisco with her friend around July. I offered to tour her and her friend around the city because I figured it would be cool to meet up. She agreed that it would be a great idea. We brainstormed on what things to do when we did meet up and it was fantastic.

Then that day arrived.

It was July 18th, 2010.

She came over from Atlanta with her friend to San Francisco. They wanted to see its beauty.

There’s a beautiful place here called the Science Academy of the Arts. There are a lot of innovative things to see there: an aquarium, a 4-story tropical rainforest, a natural history museum of animals, and a planetarium.

It was like a 4-in-1 candy store of knowledge for children but it still was amazing.

Once we arrived there, her friend decided to explore on her own. To this day, I have no idea why it happened but it did.

So there we were, just me and her.

I can remember her detail: Her lovely red hair, her piercing blue eyes, her quirky eyeliner that worked beautifully, and her ridiculous outfit that made her look like she was from the Victorian era.

There was a blur of moments. From being that close to kissing her in the elevator to talking about all the amazing philosophy of Albert Camus to touching starfish with her, it blew me away.

Yet, I never showed her how I felt. It was probably the biggest regret of my life.

You want to know why I didn’t show my intense feelings?
-I thought about logistics.
-I thought about her rejecting me.
-I thought about wanting to find a perfect moment to do it.

Well, that perfect moment never came. They never do.

There was the elevator but someone went in right before the door closed.
There was the beach that we went to afterwards but her friend was there.
There was the bus that we were on but it was too crowded.

All these excuses to put my feelings into a jar and stuff them down into the back of my brain.

Fast forward a couple days later and they left.

For a few months after she left, my brain had repressed my feelings for her. I decided that it was the right move and that I saved everyone the trouble by not acting upon my own feelings.

That was wrong. It was undeniably wrong. I had sacrificed my own feelings for the sake of comfort only to have it bite me in the ass later on.

On top of that, I had a right to tell her how I felt. As a human being, I had a right to tell her how I felt.

My shyness, timidness, and passivity robbed me of the chance to show my feelings.

That robber cost me almost a year of the unknown, a surreal feeling in my brain called “how the hell does she feel?”, and delayed progress in living my life.

That was just one of the many regrets.

(I would tell her nine months later but the circumstances were so different that it still doesn’t really count in my mind.)

I remember seeing my feelings as a water valve. The feelings were like a cap that held in the water with logic, logistics, and a feeling of comfort.

Fast forward to December 1st, 2010, when the cap burst into a billion pieces.

She was in NYC to meet up another friend because it was on her Facebook and I checked it the evening before, especially since she has posted new pictures up on her news feed.

I woke up at around 9am. I went on Facebook because I was expecting a wall post from someone.

However, the moment I sign on, I got to see the first thing on my news feed:
She has updated her relationship status from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’.

You got it. She ended up getting together with that friend.

Then all the feelings exploded back upon me like a tidal wave.

I didn’t mind the fact that they got together at that point. I just had so much regret that I didn’t tell her how I felt.

I had no idea what to do at this point. That was strike one.

Everything felt foggy. The time in lectures slowed down. Talking to other people seemed like a chore.

The only thing I looked forward to was running my ass off to calm myself down.

I had this feeling until I stumbled upon the SFgate article that would change my motivation.

On December 20th, the first day of my winter vacation, I read about Jason Shen and the whole concept of Rejection Therapy.

I decided that I was going to try it out. I had to.

Being shy and timid cost me the ultimate possibility.

Being shy cost me 20 years of this lethargic mess of a life.

It was time to change that.

Before I started my rejections, I was still hurting. When the water valve breaks, the water explodes; that’s how my feelings were going at this point. It was still violently flowing.

I did the only thing I could do: read books that moved me.

I borrowed Siddhartha by Hesse from the library.
That book calmed my soul because it proved to me that any characteristic, no matter how good or bad, is potentially in anyone.

I could grow to become more assertive. I could grow to gain any trait I so choose. It was time to accept responsibility to create traits that I desired.

Albert Camus’ The Stranger also gave me this insight: No matter what my mistakes are, the universe would continue to hum along with its indifference.

That is why I don’t mind any negative outcomes. When the universe is indifferent to your pain and your suffering, then it’s something that I could cope with. Those negative traits don’t have the power it used to have before because if the universe is indifferent to it, then why should I be so attached to it?

I have the power to make time for reality.

Therefore, this mindset enabled to see rejection as merely opening more doors.

Those books and learning about Rejection Therapy was the motivation I needed to stand back up.

So I started this blog and had many successful rejection attempts through January and February.
- I was able to offer Fruit Gushers to people.
- I was able to pass kettle popcorn to people because I bought a size that was too big.
- I was able to talk to strangers that I didn’t know and asked them to study with me. Some said yes. Others said no.
- I asked other girls out. While they said no, I understood why they did.
- I reunited with old friends.
- I put myself out there way more than I ever have.

All of these things shattered my reality. It changed me. It made me see an infinite number of doors in front of me, rather than a few missed chances.

The first 45 days or so were absolutely amazing with top-notch motivation.

So, “Why did you slow down in March?”

Fast forward to March 8th, 2011.

I called her again and I learned about her boyfriend. I learned about how amazing he was to her. I learned about how he was extremely productive, a musician, into many hobbies, etc.

Let’s just say that he was an Adonis in her eyes. He had the awesome amount of friends with fascinating backgrounds. And most importantly, she told me that he didn’t give a fuck.

He was the opposite to my introverted, close to home nature, that cared tons about people. At times, I cared too much.

Some of the hurt came back. I thought that call would’ve cleansed me of the issue but it backfired.

As much as comparisons are worthless, I still felt broken down by how things went so wrong. That was strike two.

So I became stunted on my process.

The darkness of my feelings pulled me back in and my rejections crawled to a halt in March. If you notice, there’s only a few posts in all of March.

So after telling my closest cousin the whole situation, he told me to tell her my feelings.

Looking back, I probably should have told her way back in August or September.

Better late than never?

Fast forward to April 9th.

I called her at around 11pm my timezone. She answered and asked me what was up.

Then I started sobbing like a maniac. I absolutely lost all control of whatever shit was coming out of my eyes. My voice started losing its way too. Then I mustered how much I fell for her and loved her.

She told me that she didn’t even think of that possibility of me being into her. I was caught in a terrible whirlwind of her life. Let’s just say I was simply collateral.

I could feel that she felt pity and guilt. Yet she told me, “Well Matt, I won’t call but call if you need to.”

It was a blunt gesture but I understood.

So after talking to her for a few hours, I hoped that telling her would make those feelings go away.

It did but not permanently.

By then, I was sure that I was only in love with my projection of her back from July 2010. By this time, her April 2011 self was far different. I was sure both of us had greatly changed.

Once April came, I did my best to hit the second wind of my website.

Fast forward to May 7th.

I decided to speak to her on Facebook chat. She told me that she was in a deep rage and told me to get lost. I recall her being somewhat angry at me because I made a sarcastic comment to one of her friends.

After a bit of arguing, she decided to break me down and say every terrible thing she could to me because she was in a raging mood.
The list included:
-You’re a fail douchebag, which is worse than real jerks.
-”Fuck You Matt”
-Don’t worry, I don’t unfriend you.

By this time, this caused her to have a condescending view of me. I didn’t deserve that and no one deserves that. I wasn’t going to sit around and be treated as an inferior being. The last sentence snapped something in my brain.

When someone treats you like you’re dirt that they can walk on, it’s time to leave.

Fast forward to May 10th.
I said some things in a reply that probably offended her too. I am not proud of what I said. They were rude and hideous things. But I had a right to stand my ground and be honest with how I was feeling.

Her reply is something I probably deserved as a finale. She pretty much stuck it to me back and attacked my being.

She told me how I needed to grow up, get more confident, and find my personal passion.

Just an excerpt: “It’s also the reason it hurts so bad when people you want, don’t want to talk to you.”

Then she unfriended me. That was strike three.

Those words hurt to the point of dizziness. She didn’t realize that learning about others, talking to strangers from all walks of life, and being able to see alternative perspectives about the world from other people is my passion.

But that was the ultimate rejection. Strike one, strike two, and strike three. I was out of her life.

Thus, the chapter is finally closed.

——

So why am I writing about this now? How can passion come from that?

It was the biggest metaphorical slap across my face.

She never understood that my hobby and pride is creating those connections with other people. Learning about other people is my passion.

Sure, I may not be a master musician, a creative artist, an entrepreneur (yet), into a concrete subculture, or even the best writer.

But I sure as hell am passionate about learning how others are. Learning their stories, their perspectives, their passions. That’s my creativity. To be able to meet people from all walks of life is a beautiful, ideal image in my brain.

There are days when I do my rejections and realize that I have bias. I have days where it seems futile to try. I fear that they’ll look down upon me because my passion cannot be clearly seen (clothing wise, product wise, etc.)

But I want to find the day where I can learn about anyone on the street. That’s why I strive to talk to strangers (whether it’s online or offline) and get rejected by them. I strive to do other things to break the ice. I’m far from the ideal point. But everything takes small steps.

The more I understand people with what I do, then the easier it is to spread the positivity through altruistic rejections, attempting to make a friend, sharing a compliment, and other creative endeavors.

——

I’ve experienced humiliation, regret, and the ultimate rejection all in one.

So why fear any other negative feeling?

I already climbed into the deepest pits of all of those painful feelings. There’s nothing left to get burned by.

——
So there’s the anti-fairytale.

The one thing I can change is that this isn’t the end.

That pain made me begin my life, my rejections, my experiments, my insights, and my quits.

It’s time to start living in the moment of reality.

I’ll keep creating those fleeting and permanent connections with others because that’s my passion. Let living in this life begin now.

It’s my artwork and art is about honoring your past.

——
If you liked this post and what I’m doing, please consider subscribing at the top of the website.
——
Thank you to everyone who helped me get the courage to go out there and hit ‘publish’ on this. You know who you are.

27 comments
Anita Harres
Anita Harres

Hmm, I knew that story, but... this is something. The phantom of past and projections is quite unlogic and impossible to overcome. There is some truth we could find about that, though: heartbreak is one of the most significant ways to overcome our own problems that bother us...

Anita
Anita

Hmm, I knew that story

Krauser
Krauser

Fucking hell man, just learn to do daygame. Don't go seeking rejections. Talk to hot girls, get them to like you, and then bang them. Watch some of the (free) videos on my blog to learn how.

B.Johnson
B.Johnson

Matt, I'm sorry you had to go through something this rough, but I have a few questions. 1. You were only around this girl for a week, and on top of that she brought her friend along. If you really wanted to do something with this girl you should have, so my question is, you say you were "that close to kissing her", why didn't you? 2. What on Earth led you to call her that late, only to cry to her? Why did that happen the way it did? I mean, you call a girl at 2 AM her time, and for one thing, she even picks up, but then you sob at her? That doesn't seem like a very good choice, tbh. 3. Why did you give her that message with rude and heinous things? Telling someone you feel betrayed is not the same as being rude. I don't know, I'm just trying to piece together how something can fall apart so badly.

Laurie
Laurie

Matt, this is amazing. Bravo to you on your courage, my friend! Sometimes hitting that "publish" button is the bravest thing there is. I find it interesting that often we refrain from showing and speaking our feelings because it somehow seems more "comfortable" to keep it to ourselves. But you show plainly that you received anything BUT comfort, by not telling this girl how you felt in the moment. Not speaking up about things that move us deeply only creates comfort for everyone else. I've learned so many valuable life lessons in my work with Lach...one of them is that it's not okay to try and spare others' feelings and reactions at my own expense. It's not okay to make myself miserable so as to not rock the boat. Speaking out when I'm terrified of other people's reactions and objections is so hard for me...but I'm finding that in the long view, I am so much more steady in my own feelings and choices when I allow them to be known. And sometimes, the objection that I so feared isn't even an issue! I really admire you for taking on this branch of fear smashing, Matt, it's a humdinger! Many blessings to you, and I look forward to seeing your progress. :)

Adrienne Smith
Adrienne Smith

I too applaud your honesty Matt and appreciate you sharing this story with us. Life is just one big lesson after another isn't it! Although I know you've been through hell and back the truth is had it not been for her, you may not have learned these lessons when you did. And I always say better late than never. So look at this experience as having been a good one because in the end it brought you to where you are right now. You definitely sound like you are on the right path. Continue this journey and I have no doubt we will all be seeing a different side to you. I know this is my first visit to your blog but after reading your comment on mine, I have no doubt that you have found where you need to be and the elevator only goes up from here my friend. Thanks for baring your soul and I love how honest you were. I'll be back for another visit. Adrienne

Jk Allen
Jk Allen

Wooooow! First time here and I start with the dumbest looking wow ever, but I had to. That was a long post - but I read it and read it and read it in deep anticipation of what was to come next. You did an excellent job writing that man, it flowed well and I read it like I read some 600 word blog posts. So, you're from the Bay huh? Me too. OAKLAND (E.). But I live in Denver. Great real-life account. I took a lot from that. It's amazing, I was never timid around girls (I'm married with children now), but to this day, I get the butterflies before speaking to crowds (and I do it all the time). But still, every time I push myself to overcome it. Sometimes I do well, others I don't - but every time I don't do as well is just as powerful of an experience for me, because I learn from it. I learn how to better my craft for the next take. You really went over the top here in sharing this story. I appreciate you for being so honest. This has to be one of the realest things I've read online in a while. Complete transparency and vulnerability! PEACE

Stacey
Stacey

Wow..I love your honesty. Fear, anxiety and shyness can all be crippling emotions, and I think they really show up a lot in romantic situations when there is the possibility that our feelings may not be reciprocated..Thanks for sharing . I bet that took courage : )

J.D. Meier
J.D. Meier

It's amazing how many magical moments in life can pass us buy if we don't set the hook, or point our cameras at them, or stop and sniff the roses now and zen.

jo
jo

thank you for sharing that with all of us. I'm glad i was able to read it, it gives me new hope for myself and for everyone who reads here. It was a brilliant post and i look forward to reading more about your work. Keep on going!

CHICK Web Series
CHICK Web Series

That was a crazy, brave post...only brilliance can come from that

Rhina Ju
Rhina Ju

Yes, it's time that we actively participate in life rather than live 'lethargically' on the sidelines! At first with the picture, I thought maybe you were going through #tbwithdrawal ;) I was thinking today how we limit the potential of creativity to a frame on the gallery wall or the title of an artist. You're breaking boundaries.

Wendy Irene
Wendy Irene

"made me see an infinite number of doors in front of me, rather than a few missed chances." That is it! That is the great truth to not staying stuck in the past. Warm Wishes

Matt Ramos
Matt Ramos

The past can be impossible to overcome. That's why it makes me laugh when people say: get over yourself! It isn't that easy when it holds the depths that it does. So instead, I have to use it for positivity. It's a good way to overcome because can wake you up if you use it in the right way.

Matt
Matt

I'll have a future post about the whole Pick-Up Artist movement eventually. I know that the tactics do work but I'm about meeting people here, not banging people. (If I wanted to bang then I'd be writing a Pick-Up blog.)

Matt Ramos
Matt Ramos

It's alright. It helped me. 1. Like I said, I thought "logic" would prevail. By thinking logistics (they would leave in 2 days), was sort of like self-sabotage. "Oh, they'll leave in 2 days, so there's no point in trying it anyways." Of course, the idea of not expressing myself at the certain moment hurts much more looking back on it. Also, it probably was a cover-up for shyness and being too timid to take a chance. So looking back on that, I had to change that. 2. It wasn't a good choice but I decided that I was sick of holding onto it. I wasn't going to wait another day or hour. I didn't sob for long, maybe a few minutes. Still not the best choice, so I agree there. 3. The words I chose weren't the best choice of words. But I did have a right to say I felt betrayed, that's true.

Matt
Matt

Thanks Laurie. It is true. You think it's comforting to go the logical way but emotions (especially intense ones) tend to creep back up the wrong way. It messes things up more in the long-term. Lach is awesome. That lesson is very important to learn: never, ever give up your wants in order to spare other people. It's a difficult task, especially for those who aren't used to speaking up. But if you make your thoughts known, people understand what's going on with you more. People don't have to assume anything. 99% of the time, the fear is worse in our mind before doing the initial action. Many thanks again for the great comment. It's time to fight the good fight against fear.

Matt Ramos
Matt Ramos

Thanks Adrienne! It really is one huge lesson. That's why I want to create more chances. If I create 100 more chances, and even 1 of them ends up being amazing, then I've done my work. Yeah, it brought me to a nice place (the blogging world for instance). Thanks for the words of encouragement, I feel that the elevator has only one direction now which is to go up! Thanks for reading. Matt

Matt Ramos
Matt Ramos

Thanks for the great comment JK. I appreciate that. I wrote and revised it over a whole month because I wanted to make sure I wrote every detail. I risked being over the top to share some insight. I figured anyone could learn from this crazy experience I've had, so why not? Ah, yeah, also from the East Bay. Yeah I'm glad it resonated with people. Even if someone isn't timid in one situation, I feel that people need to expose themselves to whatever that specific thing is that is giving them those "butterflies in the stomach". Exactly. Putting yourself out there in spite of the fear helps you "better your craft" as you said. Thanks again for the comment JK. Peace.

Matt Ramos
Matt Ramos

Thanks for the comment Stacey. Yeah, it really hindered me for quite some time until I realized that I shouldn't take it personally. They're coming from their own perspective. Different tastes, likes, etc. Thanks again!

Matt Ramos
Matt Ramos

Yeah, I felt "slipped by" feeling when they left. Because deep down I knew what I was doing with repressing my feelings was wrong. We have to take the action and do it.

Matt Ramos
Matt Ramos

Thanks for taking the time to read it. I hope it does bring hope because I wanted that message. Maybe getting broken is the wake up call to REALLY start living. And I will keep going.

Matt R
Matt R

Many thanks, well I wouldn't be where I'm at without that crazy experience from happening, so it brought me to a good direction.

Matt
Matt

Definitely, it's time. Hahaha, well I put the picture there because it's the image in my mind that always associated with this type of lost. No vampire stuff hahaha. Yeah, it hit me when I had that talk. Artists being artists. What happens when you're art isn't going to last a lifetime on canvas or mp3?

Matt
Matt

Yes! seeing an infinite number of chances around you, next to you makes staying in the past a useless option because the beginning (or revival) of your life begins the moment you see that.

Mika
Mika

Hey Matt, Thanks for being so open and vulnerable here. I really admire that. I used to let my past define my life... and the outcomes I got with that strategy were painful ones indeed. I learned the best way to overcome the past is to move forward and accept the reality of what happened. I realized the more I resisted my emotions and fears, the more pain I caused myself. Instead I learned to embrace my emotions, allow myself to "feel" them and move with the intention to make the next moment even better :) Thanks for sharing this.

Matt R
Matt R

Thanks for the comment, the past can be a painful place but when people have the courage to express those wounds in a healthy way, that's when people can keep going without having to carry around those pains.

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