The Awkward Condom Line: Calm as a Hindu Cow

This is Day 4 of the Awkward Moments Experiment.

[Everyday for 30 Days I’ll attempt to do something awkward to me and hope it benefits others as well.]

I’ll write this in present-tense free-flow form to keep things interesting.

My university held its annual welcoming event on Friday.

September 23, 2011. 6:00PM

There were rides where people ride a simulated bull, slide down an inflated slide, and have a battle with sticks upon two pillars.

There were the multiple lines to spin the wheel to get freebies. The freebies included bags, frisbees, candy, t-shirts, and drinks.

On the other side there is a concert stage where clubs and other artists have their moment of fame to share with others.

The other corner contains a tournament for break dancing which holds an incredibly intense atmosphere.

Other tents have face-paint and Henna ready to be used on the willing.

Poker tables also hold their own friendly competition.

There are even more game booths that have carnival type games that remind me of my childhood like hitting down the three milk bottles with two balls.


I throw ball one and hit down two of the bottles. I throw ball two and hit the last bottle right off the table. I get my raffle ticket.

I wait in lines and end up receiving a free frisbee, a free bag, and some scented room freshener.



What do I do?

I walk around and notice all the behaviors and groups all around me.

I let myself go with the flow.

I kill off my self-conscience and keep walking.

Then it hits me. I contact everyone I know from the area.


I call my best friend to meet up with him and his girlfriend. We catch up for about 15 minutes chatting about their plans for the year as well as mine. We ask one another how our summers were.

I hand my raffle ticket to them because I don’t want it. I hope they win the $400 credit or plasma TV.


I text my friend who transferred here as well. She tells me to meet up with her and her friends in the corner of the event.


I bid my best friend and his girlfriend farewell and find my other friend. When I find her she’s with seven other folks.

Like Tyler Durden says, “Calm as a Hindu Cow.”

My friend introduces me to half of them. I suppose those are the half she is closer to.

The group atmosphere is made light because I go with the flow of the joke from my friend. “Oh she’s from our rival school Matt!”

I smile and say, “Oh is that right? Well that’s too bad. I can’t like you.” I keep smiling.

She smiles back and defends her old high school.

I could feel the whole atmosphere of the group. It’s calm and welcoming, especially because I feel the inner calm within myself.

I keep smiling and she offers her hand to me as a truce. I put my hand right there but don’t shake her hand back.

My friend gets tired of the slight tension I’m causing and decides to join the hands together. Truce.

After that, the seven split into other groups and I’m left with my friend and another guy.

I tell them a pick-up line that’s so twisted that I won’t share it here.

They laugh with a state of utter shock and smile back.

Then my friend asks me about what I’m trying to do on my blog.

I tell them that I’m doing awkward moments on purpose with good intentions.

I tell them a few examples.

I ask where the guy is from and we end up talking about the LA area a bit. After that, we go on our separate ways as they head back to their dorms.

I walk around and see a couple more people from the previous year. I say hi to them in passing and maintain the calm.

Then, I stay in line with one of them and one of her friends.


We’re in line for condoms.

I notice more offers from recruiting groups.

I notice that I’m around so many couples (it is a condom line after all.)

“So it goes.” as Vonnegut would say.

I finally arrrive at the beginning of the line and look at the condom brands. I turn around and finally see my favorite.


The Awkward Moment: I exclaim to those behind me, “Hey everyone! Pick durex! That’s the best brand you’ll ever experience!” (I hope they take my advice cause I’m not kidding either.)

Ten faces look at me blankly and confused. I turn around and walk on.


I texted a couple of my other friends who didn’t make it because they were away for the weekend. I saw an old family friend.

In addition, my libido was actually trying to wake up.

“Wait a second, the girls around me are actually somewhat attractive again? No way.”

I was finally letting myself to live.

I feel free.


I notice the one challenge I have left to conquer.

Everything else seems so simple when you’re this calm.


The fog is gone. The anxiety is gone.

It left me because I let it go.

Hopefully, I can do that more often.


I’m going home now but I want to find this feeling again.

I know this will be a good year.


As a reader, would you want to see more of this type of writing (at least throughout the Awkward Moments?) Let me know by leaving a comment!